how i do it

Someone asked me yesterday how i do it, meaning how I manage to keep it together in the face of my most recent diagnosis.

The truth is, sometimes I don't keep it together at all. There are moments when I feel like I 'm standing on the edge of an abyss and it takes everything I have not to be pulled into the darkness. And, sometimes, I feel like I have fallen over the edge and just managed to pull myself out or, more often, have had someone who loves me grab my hand just in time.

And, even on the good days, there are hard moments, like the conversation I had today with my spouse about a call we need to make to our financial planner. We need to tell her that she will no longer need to put a plan together for my retirement. It's hard to say some things out loud.

But I do have so many good reasons to stay positive, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, willingly and with determination:

1- I want my kids to have an engaged, active mother. I plan to be around for some time yet and I want to enjoy my children. I also want them to remember me as strong, loving and mostly happy.

2-There are still so many reasons to be happy. I went for my first post-treatment walk today. The sun was bright, the snow was new and white, my dog's tail was wagging happily. What's not to enjoy?

3-I have so many people who love me (see above re getting pulled out of the abyss) and have shown me in countless ways that they will never give up on me.

4-Life is full of fun surprises, like the gift certificate for Amazon.ca that I found in my inbox the other day (Sassymonkey's doing. She did a very generous, wonderful thing. You can check her blogs out here and here and a bunch of other places too, like BlogHer).

5-I still have lots to learn and do. Life is not boring. And with a lot of the petty stuff stripped away, many things are, in fact more interesting.

6-The way I see it, I have two choices. I could wallow or I could chose to enjoy life as it is. I believe the latter route will help me to live longer and definitely make the time I have left more enjoyable. In a lot of ways, it just makes sense to chose to be positive.

I'm writing this from my brand spankin' new laptop. I needed a new one (and writing is so key to my happiness) but Santa went all out and got me a fancy one (100 Gig hard drive! Whoo hoo!). I've named her Betsy. She's beautiful.

Happy New Year everyone.

MetLife Latest to Pay for Contingent Commissions

MetLife is the latest to settle with New York Attorney General Spitzer for its use of contingent commissions. With UnumProvident and Prudential Financial already paying millions in fines and restitution to customers, MetLife will now pay $16.5 million to policyholders and $2.5 million in New York penalties.What is amazing is how long all of this has gone on. For years after the scandal first

another one down

Well, we survived (thanks to my bro-in-law, imw, for the photo of our Christmas dinner). There was lots of emotion, laughter, the usual family craziness, a few surprises and an orgy of presents.

In our family, we open our presents to each other on Christmas eve (a variation on the French-Canadian tradition). Santa comes during the night, so there are more presents (for the children) in the morning. We enjoy doing things this way but it makes for a late night for the children AND a very early morning.

We have now settled into the kids-are-home-what's-next phase of the holidays. After all the visitors and presents, this period of relative quiet (no daycare and no school. Sigh) feels a bit like a letdown to the kids and they are going a bit stir-crazy.

I had chemo yesterday, an event that was wonderfully uneventful. It was just the vinorelbine (no herceptin) and the whole process barely took ten minutes. Today, I'm a little green around the gills but nowhere near as sick as I was on the first go 'round. This and the fact that I am in less pain today than I have been in weeks have put me in a very good mood.

The break from pain is incredibly welcome (an understatement, I have newfound compassion for those who live for years with chronic pain) and I am choosing to take this change as a sign that the treatments are working and that my tumours are shrinking.

Thanks to all who wished me happy holidays in the comments and via email. It really meant a lot to me. Thanks especially to Flippy, for the image of me running down the grocery aisle, innoculating oranges. That really made me smile on a hard day.

Why is Health Care Cost Trend So Low?

In my last two posts (below) I pointed out that commercial medical cost trend has been reported to be as low as 5.5% to 6% with most employers reporting 2007 increases in the 7% to 8% range.While employer trend rates are at this level, health plans are reporting even lower internal trend rates with commercial profits remaining strong and virtually all of the plans reporting rate increases ahead

i'm a freakin' pin cushion

I had nine needles stuck into me for various reasons this week. I also learned how to inject myself in the belly with Neupogen, which I will now be doing for five days after each chemo treatment (that's 10 days out of every three week cycle). During my first go-round with chemo I was on Neulasta, which worked just fine but my new regimen has me going for chemo two weeks in a row and Neupogen spreads the doses out a bit more.

It's weird jabbing yourself with a needle but I can see how people get used to it. And I will do just about anything to bolster those infection fighting/keeping me away from hospital food white blood cells.

The last few days have been tough slogging (more on this weeks when I have a bit more time and energy) but I am home and my temperature has been normal for more than twelve hours so I am hopeful that all will be well through Christmas.

We lit the last Chanukah candle tonight.

I think my oldest son may not sleep until Christmas.

And my children were both especially lovely tonight (and funny. This makes me especially happy now that I also see this as blog fodder.)

It was nice to be reminded what joy feels like.

i'm not in the hospital

Although I have been there every day this week (today just for a CAT scan and bloodwork).

The last few days have been a roller coaster but I'm hanging in. I promise to update you all when I have a bit more energy.

Oh and yesterday I learned to give an orange an injection. Today I injected myself in the stomach. How cool is that?

HMOs Better Negotiators Than Employers for 2007

"Benefit consultants and brokers are reporting that medical trend rates are continuing to fall - to the 7% to 8% range - while health plans are reporting that their actual costs are trending as low as 5.5% to 6.5%."That's the lead in an article I wrote that was published in this month's issue of Employee Benefit Adviser.In it, I reviewed the third quarter HMO earnings reports and compared them to