small changes

My life is a work in progress (some days I feel like there has been more progress than others) and I can never quite escape the urge to make changes as the new year rolls in.

In the past I have I not found sweeping changes to be sustainable. Even my list of monthly changes last year didn't last past June. 

However, my pledge to make soup was a huge success and has served me well. In fact, today's lunch was soup (kale, sweet potato and red lentil with home made turkey broth) I made and froze a couple of weeks ago. During a chemo week, when I don't feel much like eating anything, it's a real gift to have something easy to heat up and healthy to eat.

This year, I resolved that it would suit me best to make one new small change every week. And so far, this is working pretty well. I haven't been perfect but the changes are adding up and I do feel like new, healthful habits are being created.

So today, on the eve of the Chinese New Year, it seems fitting to come clean on the blog and go public with my changes. You can all help me stay accountable.

And do let me know if you have made any healthy changes so far in 2011. I realized the other day that I'm far from alone. Over at BlogHer they were talking about taking small steps to get healthy for the entire month of January. How'd I miss that?

Here are my changes so far:

Week 1: Weigh in and record my weight every Monday.

Week 2: Begin doing strength training exercises developed for cancer survivors. I've been doing these on run days and plan to work up to about thirty minutes, three times a week.

Week 3: Drink no more than five alcoholic drinks per week. I've gone over this limit every week so far but not by a lot.

Week 4: Drink more water. My nutrionist recommended drinking as many ounces as half my weight in pounds. This is a lot of water.

Week 5: Meditate every day. Start at five minutes and work my way up to twenty. This is something I have been meaning to do for a while. So far this week, I have meditated twice for ten minutes each time. It's a start.

10 in june part two: writing through heartbreak

June is a very busy month. The end of the academic year means that there are meetings, plays and endless school-related events (most are fun but they do keep me busy). Also, I've been very distracted because J-Dog (known to us as Jasper Friendly Bear) is very sick.

We are waiting on the biopsy results of tissue taken from several large tumours in his mouth. Honestly, it doesn't look good. Even if the tumours are benign, which is highly unlikely, the surgery to remove the growths would be dangerous and painful (not the mention the fact that having half his upper jaw removed would leave him with a dubious quality of life). Leaving them where they are is out of the question because they are making him very uncomfortable and affecting both his breathing and his ability to swallow.

We love this dog a lot. He's a very sweet old soul, who was born with tremendous dignity, intelligence and loyalty. I can't bear the thought of losing him but I can't stop thinking about it.

And you can imagine that this family would find all of this especially traumatic. As a wise and dear friend said to me, "You have to make sure the kids understand that he's not you." And even as we all understand that, this is all rubbing salt into some wounds that may never fully heal.

This was meant to be a post about writing, though - something I am reminded means more to me than an obligation or an item on a 'to do' list - so let me get back to that now.

Here are my goals for the month (taking up the numbering from where I left off in my last post):

5. Write for ninety minutes, four times a week (or 300 minutes per week). Given how busy I knew I'd be, I thought I'd set a more realistic goal (I'm already behind but not iredeemably so).

6. Write the speech for the Weekend to End Women's Cancers fundraiser (I don't have much of a choice about this one because I'm delivering it on Monday. I've got some detailed notes but a fair bit more work to do. Did I mention that I'm delivering it - at least in part - in French?).

7. Write a first draft of a short story (I've had this idea about Elvis and my home town for a while now).

I'm also going to continue to re-read and edit my draft novel but I'm not going to write that one down as a goal, since it's an ongoing process and I'm on track, thanks to my writing buddy and our regular exchanges and phone meetings.

It felt good to write all of that - about the fear and the grief but also about the goals I have set for myself. Writing gives me hope and a sense of purpose. When I do it well, it gives me confidence.

It's also very therapeutic.

Update: The vet called this evening. It's cancer. We have some choices to make but none will be easy. 

10 in june part one: health

The last month has been challenging, as far as my health is concerned. There is nothing seriously wrong with me and as far as the cancer is concerned, I'm in fine shape. Instead, I've been dealing with some unpleasant and uncomfortable digestive issues. Whether this is due to my age or the toll of long term systemic cancer treatment, I don't know. I just know that, by the time I went to see my doctor, I was feeling prettty miserable.

I suspected my gall bladder was the source of the problem but we had the benefit of a recent abdominal CT scan that showed that organ to be fine. My doctor diagnosed me with Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (or GERD) and instructed me to stop consuming coffee, tea, chocolate or coffee (my immediate response was the somewhat ironic, "I'll die!" She also gave me some medicine. 

After a couple of weeks, I do feel very much better. I've only been eating tiny amounts of chocolate and I have had a couple of pints of beer (which didn't seem to bother me). What does turn my innards inside out is coffee, something I find to be fairly tragic. I'm now drinking a mug of Matcha green tea every morning and then, only occasionally having a single mug of half-decaf (and I am coming to accept that this needs to be a pretty occasional thing). 

I was feeling pretty bummed out about all of this (haven't I already been through enough?) until one day I was out walking the dogs and I got to thinking. What if I chose to look on this as an opportunity to clean up my diet?

I've also come to realize that fatty foods or eating anything too quickly can give me pain and heatburn. But I should be avoid junk food and mindless eating anyway, so that shouldn't seem like a bad thing.

When life gives you lemons, make lemon water (which also really helps with digestion and I like how it tastes).

Next visit to my doc, I'm going to risk being labelled a hypochondriac and ask to be tested for Celiac's disease (my sister has it, and although I've had the blood test, I know that it can result in false negatives) and also asked to be tested for a stomach bacteria called H. pylori (because a friend just tested positive and really I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

Keeping all those things under consideration, here is the part of my "Ten Things" to do list that addresses health:

1. Make soup twice. I've been having fun on this soup adventure. I've already made chicken soup this month. What surprised me though was that I took a recipe from my nutrionist and altered it significantly to make it more flavourful. On the heels of my made-up cabbage soup from last month, I am displaying a willingness to depart from recipes that I have never been brave enough to do. It pleases me enormously.

2. Do an average of sixty minutes of cardio five times a week (a total of 300 minutes a week). 

3. Start the Running Room beginner program and run/walk three times a week. I'm on track and on week two, which means I'm alternating one minute of walking with one minute of running for twenty minutes.

4. Follow the diet prescribed by my nutritionist, while cutting mysellf some slack (ie letting myself have a cookie or a piece of chocolate every day, eating exactly what I want once a week, cutting down on carbs and increasing fruit and especially low sugar veggies). If my approach isn't moderate, it's not sustainable.

I'm putting the strength training on hold in the hopes that July will be a little less busy and my gut will be healed enought that the thought of sit-ups doesn't make me puke (although I'm not sure if this is a real problem or just a dislike of sit-ups).

I'll save the rest of this month's goals for another post. What's on your to-do list for June?

may's ten things: how i did

Here's how I did with May's "To Do" list (still playing along with the List Lovers at BlogHer):

As with previous months, completed tasks are in blue, partially done tasks are in green and the tasks I didn't even started in purple.

1. Spend an average of eight hours writing a week (I didn't even come close but I did make some progress on the editing of the draft novel and I started meeting - and exchanging writing - with my awesome writing buddy so I'm going to give myself partial credit anyway).

2. Do strength training at least twice every week (I did it once all month but I've been suffering from some gastrointestinal issues that made strength training, especially ab work, less appealing. It's pretty lame but it's all I've got).

3. Do an average of five hours of cardio every week (Completed and exceeded this goal!).

4. Make soup twice (I made the sweet potato spinach one I mentioned in last month's post and another one that I made up with cabbage and Indian spices. This business of winging it is a new development for me and I'm very pleased).

5. Sort through my clothes (Carried over from February, March and April and still not done).

6. Finish making summer plans for my family. (It's very nearly done. I just need to book my youngest into a couple of weeks of day camp).

7. Go to at least one bike store and do some test rides.

 

8. Spend one afternoon every week doing something fun or relaxing.

9. Finish one knitting project.

10. Spend one afternoon per week just dealing with this to-do list.

So that's six things accomplished, two partially done (and one of those could almost be in the 'done' category) and two not yet finished.

I'm pleased with my progress but I'm also aware that two of the items that got short shrift (the clothes and the writing) are things I really wanted to do.

I'm organizing myself differently for June but I'll tell you about that in another post. 

10 to do in May

For the last few months, I've been playing along with a group of folks over at BlogHer who've formed a group called "List Lovers Unite." I'm a sucker for "to do" lists and I've found the practice of making monthly to do lists to be rather compelling.

Sticking to the list, however, has yielded mixed results. Here's how I did with April's list (as with previous months, completed tasks are in blue, partially done tasks are in green and the tasks I didn't even started in purple):

1. Write a first draft of the short story I've been kicking around. (I wrote an outline)

2. Spend an average of eight hours writing per week. (Not even close)

3. Do strength training at least once a week and continue with the five hours of cardio per week. (I'm very pleased to have started the strength training, which I did, for at least a few minutes, five times in four weeks. I fell a couple of hours short with the cardio, though. I need to remind myself on rainy days that I'm not made of sugar).

4. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February and March). (I bought some clothes but my closet is still overflowing with stuff I can't or don't wear).

5.Make summer plans for my family. (we are going to Blue SkiesMusic Festival this year and have tentatively planned another couple of trips but I have yet to sit down with a calendar and nail it all down)

6. Brush my big (shedding) dog once a week and my smaller (non-shedding, tangling) dog every other day. (I brushed the big dog once and the little one twice. I did take Lucy to the groomer on Tuesday, though. She's been shorn now, so now I really only have ears and tail to brush for a while)

7. Update my Ravelry project page.

8. Finish another scarf.

9. Make soup twice. (the jambalaya in the slow cooker when I wrote last month's post was the only soup I made. It was a good one, though)

10. Get a hair cut. (Done. And I feel much better with shorter hair)

I did get something done that had been on my previous month's to do list. I bought a bathing suit. And then I wrote about it for BlogHer and even posted a photo of myself.

I'm still reeling from that one.

Around the middle of the month, I realized was feeling very grumpy. I figured out that I was unhappy because, while I wasn't necessarily getting anything done, I also wasn't having any fun. I had to remind myself that, as I'm the one attempting to give my life more structure, I'm also the one who needs to give myself permission to be flexible.

When I drew up my goals for this month, I decided to incorporate time to read, relax and be creative (a bit ironic, I know) and to set aside time to specifically attack this list.


Things to do in May:

1. Spend an average of eight hours writing a week (I'm already behind. Sigh. I have started to edit the first draft of my novel, though, so that's something).

2. Do strength training at least twice every week (Did it once last week, so I'm behind there too).

3. Do an average of five hours of cardio every week (On track. Yay!)

4. Make soup twice (I've already made and eaten a big batch of sweet potato, red lentil and spinach soup).

5. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February, March and April - but I really do want to get this done).

6. Finish making summer plans for my family.

7. Go to at least one bike store and do some test rides (That should be fun. Also, my bike has started to make some pretty scary noises when I pedal or change gears).

8. Spend one afternoon every week doing something fun or relaxing (Last week, I spent part of Mothers' Day finishing Water for Elephants, which I loved reading. This week, I'll spend Thursday afternoon either reading or knitting. I need to make the space in my life to do the things that restore my energy and my creativity).

9. Finish one knitting project (I made a bunch of dish clothes and a dish towel for a friend and gave them to her, so this one's done already).

10. Spend one afternoon per week just dealing with this to-do list (last week it was Wednesday and this week it will be Wednesday, too).

Anyone else out there still working on the monthly list? How's it working for you?

i bought a swimsuit

And I posted about it for BlogHer.

I won't say the search wasn't traumatic:

I rejected suits that didn't cover my scars, that were two big, too small or both at the same time. I worked up a sweat trying to get tangled bathing suit straps over my shoulders, often resulting in a look that was reminiscent of a wrestling uniform. I cried a little bit. Regular suits left me feeling too exposed and mastectomy suits bagged on the chest when I was not wearing a breast form.

You can read the rest of the post here. I even posted a picture of myself, wearing the swimsuit.

I didn't get to far on my to-do list this month but these are accomplishments (the doing and the writing) of which I am proud.

10 things to do in april

This month, I actually wrote up my 10 things and posted them over at BlogHer on April 1st. And then, I let chemo and the long Passover/Easter weekend sidetrack me. I seem to be somewhat lacking in motivation on the blogging front these days. 

I have lots to say but I don't always feel like saying it.

Perhaps blogging should be on my list of May 'to-do's.

For now, though, here is how I did in March (completed in blue, partially done in green and not even started in purple):

 

1. Finish re-reading the draft of my novel (carried over from February). I discovered when I reached the end of the document that I had just stopped writing when I'd written the required 50,000 words. The story has no end. And needs some serious editing. That will be a goal for a future month.

2. Organize my clothes and my closet (carried over from February).

3. Graft the toes on the socks I'm knitting for my sister (carried over from February). It barely took an hour to finish these suckers. Should have done it ages ago. Now my sister will  have some nice wool socks, just in time for summer.

4. Do an average of 5 hours of cardio exercise every week (Revised from February).Really, this should almost be in blue. I fell short by less than an hour, so I'm pretty pleased with myself.

5. Make soup once. Sweet potato, spinach, red lentil. It was a recipe from my nutrionist (see below) and it was yummy.

6. Spend an average of 10 hours writing per week. I permitted myself to write this in green because I did do some writing in March but I didn't even come close to reaching my goal. I blogged 10 times and wrote in my journal with reasonable consistency but that was pretty much it.

7. Make and keep an appointment with a nutritionist to work out a plan to improve my diet, then follow it. I did do this one and have begun to make some changes to my diet. And, although I fell pretty much completely off the wagon over the long weekend, that was in April so it doesn't count.

8. Get my bike back on the road. It's been tuned up and ridden. When the weather is nice, I am going to continue to make my bike my main form of transportation.

9. Mend/wash/block my hand knit scarves. There are five of them. Three are mine and one is an unfinished present. None of them should take very long and it would give me a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Update: After stepping away from this and considering what I have on my plate, if I get two scarves done, I will be happy. I finished one. Now it needs to be delivered to the recipient.

10. Buy a swimsuit that fits (ugh). I tried on a couple of swimsuits but didn't find any that comfortably fit my long torsoed, plus-sized, one breasted body. I initially thought I would carry this one over to April but have changed my mind. This one's traumatic and will be a longer term project.

 

So that makes (more or less) 5 finished tasks, 4 partially completed and one not yet begun.

 

I'm really enjoying this process. I'm getting things done that I might not otherwise. It's gving me a sense of structure and accomplishment. 

 

Here is my list for April:

 

1. Write a first draft of the short story I've been kicking around (I have a writing buddy now, who's going to give me feedback. I have promised to deliver something for her to read by the end of the month).

2. Spend an average of eight hours writing per week (I'm already behind but it's not too late to catch up).

3. Do strength training at least once a week and continue with the five hours of cardio per week (I am on track with the cardio but have done one set of situps exactly once, so I need to get moving on the strength training).

4. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February and March).

5.Make summer plans for my family.

6. Brush my big (shedding) dog once a week and my smaller (non-shedding, tangling) dog every other day (the little dog has been brushed twice, which is probably twice more than she was groomed in March).

7. Update my Ravelry project page.

8. Finish another scarf.

9. Make soup twice (I have a jambalaya stew in the slow cooker right now).

10. Get a hair cut.

It's not too late to play along!

10 things in march

 It apppears that I have been afflicted with writers' block and spring fever (it's been unseasonably warm and sunny here in Ottawa). And for a while there, I was recovering from chemo.

Those are the excuses I'm offering up for not writing very much lately.

I do have a bunch of posts percolating, or at least on my "to write" to do list but I thought I would kick off my return with another kind of list - an update for my 10 things for February and the new list for March.

Here's how I did last month (completed in blue, partially done in green and not even started in purple).

1. Sock monkey hat done. The pom pom has already fallen off. Once I sew it back on, I'll take photos.

2.  Socks not finished.

3. I made jambalaya and sweet potato soup.

4. I read 6 books, including the Canada Reads ones. And one big doorstop of a book.

5. I averaged closer to 4 hours of cardio per week (short of my goal of 6) but I'm cutting myself some slack because of a cold, travel and bad weather. I think 6 hours was unrealistic and am aiming for 5 hours/week of cardio this month.

6. I think I have 40 pages of my novel left to read. Scary process. I'm fine while I'm reading it but then I'm scared to pick it up again. Have to get over that.

7. I wrote at least a little bit, at least 3 times per week.

8. My clothes remain unorganized. I did do a cull of old towels and sheets, though.

9. I went skating three times! And then the ice melted.

10.  I sent the card, with the photo from last summer and the kids' school photos from this year.

So I'd call that 6 completed, 2 partially done and 2 not even started.

It felt pretty good to write that up actually. I did better than I thought I had.

Here's my list for March (I've also posted it over at BlogHer, where you can read what others have set out to do. This is such a fabulous idea, iniated by Denise Taunton, their Community Manager):

1. Finish re-reading the draft of my novel (carried over from February).

2. Organize my clothes and my closet (carried over from February).

3. Graft the toes on the socks I'm knitting for my sister (carried over from February).

4. Do an average of 5 hours of cardio exercise every week (Revised from February. I'm on track, especially since the weather has been so nice).

5. Make soup  once.

6. Spend an average of 10 hours writing per week (I have some catching up to do).

7. Make and keep an appointment with a nutritionist to work out a plan to improve my diet, then follow it (My first appointment was yesterday and so far I only have to remember to take my supplements and consume enough potassium. I can do this. My next appointment is on March 22nd).

8. Get my bike back on the road (I rode yesterday and I plan on riding to an appointment today. I've also made an appointment for a tune-up).

9. Mend/wash/block my hand knit scarves. There are five of them. Three are mine and one is an unfinished present. None of them should take very long and it would give me a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Update: After stepping away from this and considering what I have on my plate, if I get two scarves done, I will be happy.

10. Buy a swimsuit that fits (ugh).

You can play, too! What are your goals for this month? Share them in the comments or over at BlogHer (but let me know if you do).

update on 10 for february

Last week, I joined a BlogHer Group committed to getting ten things done in February. In the spirit of accountability, here is my progress thus far:

 

1. Finish sewing the eyes and mouth on D.'s sock monkey hat.

Still to do, but D. has really stepped up the nagging, so I promised him that I would get it done by Friday.

2. Graft the toes on my sister's socks (both these projects have been very, very close to finished for months. It's embarassing). 

No progress yet.

3. Make soup twice twice.

I made sweet potato soup with roasted garlic. It was extremely labour intensive (and I made it worse by not paying attention to the directions and, instead of slicing 12 sweet potatoes in half, I sliced them all thinly. It was ridiculous and made every other step ridiculously complicated) but delicious. And I froze some to eat during chemo week. Very pleased with myself.

4. Read 6 books, including Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture, Good to a Fault and The Jade Peony

So far, I've read four books, inclduing Good To A Fault (loved it!) and Generation X (meh). One of the books (Dragonfly in Amber, the second book in Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series) was almost 750 pages long.

5. Average 6 hours of walking every week (I was doing this easily for a long time but have slacked off and I'm feeling it, as are the dogs).

I've decided to change that to 6 hours of cardio (of any kind) per week but I've still only been averaging 4.5 hours.

6. Re-read the first draft of my novel (haven't touched the thing since completing NaNoWriMo).

I've read the first forty pages. It doesn't suck as much as I was worried that it would. In fact, there are some bits I actually liked.  I find it exhausting to read, though - not because it's heavy or difficult but because I wrote it. Can any of you relate to that feeling?

7. Write something 3x every week (I have been anxious and procrastinating. I thought that setting the bar low might help).

I wrote, for at least a few minutes, four times last week.

8. Organize my clothes.

Haven't started. Unless you count putting one pair of pants that don't fit anymore (wore them a few weeks ago but couldn't do them up on the week end) where they won't make me feel so pissed off at myself.

9. Go skating (I live steps from the Rideau Canal yet I didn't even make it out once last year).

I went once with my family and twice on my own!

10. Send a card to my Aunt, with the photo we took in the summer.

I really do need to get to this one. It's something I've been wanting to do for some time. I don't know why it keeps getting pushed down the to-do list.

Anyone else have any progress to report?

on the canal

I like to say that "I moved to Ottawa kicking and screaming." I loved living in Toronto and only moved because my spouse's short term contracts had led to longer term work and I had quit my job.

But then I fell in love with the place. And yesterday's adventure skating sums up why.

It was a beautiful sunny day, unseasonably warm for February. On impulse, I grabbed my skates and headed over to the canal.

When I hit the ice, I found myself giggling like a little kid. My calves were burning (and when they loosened up my thighs took over. My butt still hurts today) but it was fun.

There were folks out skating in office clothes (including at least one guy in a full suit and tie) and a teenager turning cartwheels on the ice. There were little kids that looked too young to walk, gliding past me. And there were other adults wobbling along or holding the hands of more stable skaters. There were people of all races, ages, shapes and sizes - all out enjoying the sunshine and the joy of movement.

A little more than an hour after I left the house, I returned to drop off my skates and ran to catch the bus that would take me to an appointment. I was hot and sweaty. And happy, too.