"none of us knows when we are going to die"

On April 25th, Alaina Giordano lost custody of her children. A North Carolina judge ruled that her two kids need to move to Chicago to live with Giordano's ex-husband. She based this decision, in large part, on the fact that Giordano has Stage 4 breast cancer.

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I can't be articulate about this story, except to say that I work very hard to make sure that my kids will be all right- no matter what happens. I wish I could protect them and all those who love me from the realities of cancer. But do I think that cancer makes me a less fit parent?

Not on your life.

Want to read more?

I first read about this on BlogHer, where Jenna argued very articulately that anyone who has ever been ill or ever might be should care about this story and the frightening precedent it has set.

My friend Judy (from Mothers With Cancer) wrote a beautiful response called "We Are All Terminal." 

You can read Alaina's own words on her blog, Beauty in Truth.

I couldn't find a single post or comment by anyone who agreed with the judge's ruling.

For that, I'm grateful.

small changes

My life is a work in progress (some days I feel like there has been more progress than others) and I can never quite escape the urge to make changes as the new year rolls in.

In the past I have I not found sweeping changes to be sustainable. Even my list of monthly changes last year didn't last past June. 

However, my pledge to make soup was a huge success and has served me well. In fact, today's lunch was soup (kale, sweet potato and red lentil with home made turkey broth) I made and froze a couple of weeks ago. During a chemo week, when I don't feel much like eating anything, it's a real gift to have something easy to heat up and healthy to eat.

This year, I resolved that it would suit me best to make one new small change every week. And so far, this is working pretty well. I haven't been perfect but the changes are adding up and I do feel like new, healthful habits are being created.

So today, on the eve of the Chinese New Year, it seems fitting to come clean on the blog and go public with my changes. You can all help me stay accountable.

And do let me know if you have made any healthy changes so far in 2011. I realized the other day that I'm far from alone. Over at BlogHer they were talking about taking small steps to get healthy for the entire month of January. How'd I miss that?

Here are my changes so far:

Week 1: Weigh in and record my weight every Monday.

Week 2: Begin doing strength training exercises developed for cancer survivors. I've been doing these on run days and plan to work up to about thirty minutes, three times a week.

Week 3: Drink no more than five alcoholic drinks per week. I've gone over this limit every week so far but not by a lot.

Week 4: Drink more water. My nutrionist recommended drinking as many ounces as half my weight in pounds. This is a lot of water.

Week 5: Meditate every day. Start at five minutes and work my way up to twenty. This is something I have been meaning to do for a while. So far this week, I have meditated twice for ten minutes each time. It's a start.

43 things (part three)

22. One day, when I was small, my aunt bought me a Buster Bar. Before I could eat it, it fell off the stick. She didn't buy me another one.

23 I had Dilly Bars instead of cake on my birthday this year. I ate two.

24. I also had a beer during the day on my birthday, something I consider very decadent. I usually only do this with my friends L. and K. (otherwise known as Sassymonkey).

25. The day after a social gathering, I spend a lot of time second guessing my behaviour, even when especially when I had a good time.

26. I feel guilty about something several times a day. Only recently did I discover that this is not a universal experience. I'm curious what it's like not to feel guilty.

27. My life in treatment is a constant tension between search for structure and then rebellion against self-imposed structures.

28. I have voted NDP in every provincial and federal election since I was old enough to vote (although I have sometimes done so while holding my nose).

29. This was the first year since 2007 that I didn't go to BlogHer. I'm OK with missing it (I had three great years there. The first was an amazing birthday present, the second I was a speaker and last year, I got to bring my book) but I'm a bit sad, especially since I finally feel like I figured out how to really enjoy the experience. There are lots of folks I would have liked to see (Average Jane and Nonlinear Girl were on a panel together. Whymommy was on a panel about blogs as an agent for change) and there are so many folks with whom I would like to spend more time.

30. When I was a teenager, I had a huge crush on the Cassidy brothers. I especially loved Shaun.

31. I was a hideously self-absorbed and narcissistic thirteen year old. It's amazing that my mother let me live.

43 things (part one)

Yesterday was my birthday. I decided that it would be fun to write a post with 43 things that I had never written about on the blog. This proved to be quite a challenge, especially since I don't seem to have a lot of writing time these days (and it was my birthday, after all).



I've decided to post the list in stages, since I stil only have less than 20 and a post with 43 things would be way too long to be interesting (and I'm hoping this is interesting).



So here goes:



1. I am 43 years old (hence the 43 things).



2. I've decided that I want to lose 44lbs before my 44th birthday.



3. My most memorable birthday presents were my little black dog (who was a Mother's Day, birthday and Christmas present all rolled into one), my trip to BlogHer in '07 and the red bike with the banana seat that I got for my seventh birthday.



4. I wear much less make-up now than I did when I was fifteen.



5. One year, in university, I spent several November days dressed up as an elf and handed out candy canes along with leaflets asking people not to buy “war toys.”



6. I'm married but I have never celebrated my wedding anniversary. I have celebrated the anniversary of the beginning of our relationship. In March, it will be 20 years (we've been married for 14).



7. We were married by a secular Jewish Humanist officiant. She stipulated that there would be no mention of God and no sexism in the ceremony, which suited us perfectly.



8. I am in awe of every single one of my brothers-in-law and sisters-in-law on both sides of my family. I have eight in total and I really like hanging out with each one (and my sister is pretty great, too).



9. I got my first dog when I was 25 years old. I planned and researched for a year before settling on a golden retriever. The other breeds on my short list were pug and Shetland sheep dog.



10. I named her Emma after Emma Goldman, although her papers said Golden Breeze Lady Emma Delight. She was neither an anarchist nor an aristocrat by nature.



11. I lost Emma to old age and Jasper to cancer. Losing Jasper was harder, as it felt so unexpected and brutal. My grief for him is still very raw and I miss him more than I can say (I know that I've written about this but I need to include it here).



12. I have absolutely no sense of direction, a trait I have passed on to my firstborn.



13. I can't curl my tongue, although both kids and my spouse can. This makes me feel oddly left out.



14. I can still remember the first phone number I ever learned but I sometimes forget my cell phone number.

10 in june part one: health

The last month has been challenging, as far as my health is concerned. There is nothing seriously wrong with me and as far as the cancer is concerned, I'm in fine shape. Instead, I've been dealing with some unpleasant and uncomfortable digestive issues. Whether this is due to my age or the toll of long term systemic cancer treatment, I don't know. I just know that, by the time I went to see my doctor, I was feeling prettty miserable.

I suspected my gall bladder was the source of the problem but we had the benefit of a recent abdominal CT scan that showed that organ to be fine. My doctor diagnosed me with Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease (or GERD) and instructed me to stop consuming coffee, tea, chocolate or coffee (my immediate response was the somewhat ironic, "I'll die!" She also gave me some medicine. 

After a couple of weeks, I do feel very much better. I've only been eating tiny amounts of chocolate and I have had a couple of pints of beer (which didn't seem to bother me). What does turn my innards inside out is coffee, something I find to be fairly tragic. I'm now drinking a mug of Matcha green tea every morning and then, only occasionally having a single mug of half-decaf (and I am coming to accept that this needs to be a pretty occasional thing). 

I was feeling pretty bummed out about all of this (haven't I already been through enough?) until one day I was out walking the dogs and I got to thinking. What if I chose to look on this as an opportunity to clean up my diet?

I've also come to realize that fatty foods or eating anything too quickly can give me pain and heatburn. But I should be avoid junk food and mindless eating anyway, so that shouldn't seem like a bad thing.

When life gives you lemons, make lemon water (which also really helps with digestion and I like how it tastes).

Next visit to my doc, I'm going to risk being labelled a hypochondriac and ask to be tested for Celiac's disease (my sister has it, and although I've had the blood test, I know that it can result in false negatives) and also asked to be tested for a stomach bacteria called H. pylori (because a friend just tested positive and really I am a bit of a hypochondriac.

Keeping all those things under consideration, here is the part of my "Ten Things" to do list that addresses health:

1. Make soup twice. I've been having fun on this soup adventure. I've already made chicken soup this month. What surprised me though was that I took a recipe from my nutrionist and altered it significantly to make it more flavourful. On the heels of my made-up cabbage soup from last month, I am displaying a willingness to depart from recipes that I have never been brave enough to do. It pleases me enormously.

2. Do an average of sixty minutes of cardio five times a week (a total of 300 minutes a week). 

3. Start the Running Room beginner program and run/walk three times a week. I'm on track and on week two, which means I'm alternating one minute of walking with one minute of running for twenty minutes.

4. Follow the diet prescribed by my nutritionist, while cutting mysellf some slack (ie letting myself have a cookie or a piece of chocolate every day, eating exactly what I want once a week, cutting down on carbs and increasing fruit and especially low sugar veggies). If my approach isn't moderate, it's not sustainable.

I'm putting the strength training on hold in the hopes that July will be a little less busy and my gut will be healed enought that the thought of sit-ups doesn't make me puke (although I'm not sure if this is a real problem or just a dislike of sit-ups).

I'll save the rest of this month's goals for another post. What's on your to-do list for June?

may's ten things: how i did

Here's how I did with May's "To Do" list (still playing along with the List Lovers at BlogHer):

As with previous months, completed tasks are in blue, partially done tasks are in green and the tasks I didn't even started in purple.

1. Spend an average of eight hours writing a week (I didn't even come close but I did make some progress on the editing of the draft novel and I started meeting - and exchanging writing - with my awesome writing buddy so I'm going to give myself partial credit anyway).

2. Do strength training at least twice every week (I did it once all month but I've been suffering from some gastrointestinal issues that made strength training, especially ab work, less appealing. It's pretty lame but it's all I've got).

3. Do an average of five hours of cardio every week (Completed and exceeded this goal!).

4. Make soup twice (I made the sweet potato spinach one I mentioned in last month's post and another one that I made up with cabbage and Indian spices. This business of winging it is a new development for me and I'm very pleased).

5. Sort through my clothes (Carried over from February, March and April and still not done).

6. Finish making summer plans for my family. (It's very nearly done. I just need to book my youngest into a couple of weeks of day camp).

7. Go to at least one bike store and do some test rides.

 

8. Spend one afternoon every week doing something fun or relaxing.

9. Finish one knitting project.

10. Spend one afternoon per week just dealing with this to-do list.

So that's six things accomplished, two partially done (and one of those could almost be in the 'done' category) and two not yet finished.

I'm pleased with my progress but I'm also aware that two of the items that got short shrift (the clothes and the writing) are things I really wanted to do.

I'm organizing myself differently for June but I'll tell you about that in another post. 

of books and birthdays

It's my friend Sassymonkey's birthday today and she's asked us all to help with something.

She's written a post for BlogHer about a very special campaign. It's called "Books Make a Difference: Share a Book That Changed Your Life to Donate a Book to a Child in Need."

All you need to do is leave a comment on her post about a book that made a big impact on your life:

"BlogHer and BookRenter, a company that rents textbooks to college students, have joined forces because we know that books makes a difference.

From May 3-28, together we are working to make a difference in children's lives by generating new books for children who need them most -- via the nonprofit organization First Book.

Want to help? For every answer we receive in the comments to the following question, one book will be donated:

What book has had the greatest impact on your life?"

About her own life-long love of books, Sassymonkey shares the following:

"My older siblings helped teach me to read at a young age (probably so that I'd stop pestering them), and I simply never stopped. When I was a kid, I never had the latest video game or the trendy clothes, but I had a life full of literary riches. Books opened up a whole world of possibilities to me, ones I grabbed at with both hands. I strongly believe that it was because of the possibilities presented to me in these books that I can claim to be only the second person in my family to graduate from high school, and the first to obtain a university degree."

My own relationship to books was equally intense and I have tried to instill a love of books and reading in my own kids. I feel very strongly that every child should have access to a wide variety of books throughout their lives.

Here is my contribution to the comments (you don't have to be so long-winded. It's OK to just leave the title of a book that was important to you):

"I hope I'm not breaking any rules but I just can't narrow it down.

The Bobbsey Twins: I was given the first one when I was 6 or 7. I remember being disappointed that it didn't have any pictures but I tore through it. And after that every trip to the "big city" had to include a new one to add to my collection.

Pride and Prejudice: I read it for the first time when I was just 8 years old. I'd already burned my way through most of the kids' books in my local library and had been awarded an adult's library card. I'm not sure why I picked it up or what I got out of it but I loved it - and I've read it many times since (and drooled over the inappropriately shirtless Colin Firth in the BBC mini-series).

Steinbeck: I think I started with the Grapes of Wrath (for a Grade 7 book report. I was a nerd) but I also loved Of Mice And Men and The Winter of Our Discontent (but not The Red Pony - it was ruined for me by being an assigned book in a high school English class). His writing was so beautiful and his stories were so compelling - I remember his characters to this day. And he taught me about the beauty of sad or ambivalent endings.

Sigh. I love books."

Please go on over to BlogHer and add your favourite book to the list. I'd love to hear about it, so do let me know (over at BlogHer or via the comments here) whether I persuaded you to contribute.

And is there anything better than the smell of a new book?

just what i needed

I was feeling a little sad and frustrated this morning (no bad news and no crisis just some things that made me feel, well, sad and frustrated).

Then I saw this video that my friend H. posted to Facebook and I laughed, smiled and sang along. It made me feel hopeful, too.




Then, via this post on BlogHer, I discovered Regretsy.

Have you heard of Etsy? It's a great web site where crafters and artists of all kinds can sell their wares. I love Etsy and have spent many hours checking out its contents. I've also bought many wonderful things.

However, the vendors are not adjudicated. This means that goods posted to Etsy can be, a little uneven in quality - sometimes a little (or a lot weird) and sometimes just plain atrocious.

Regretsy brings together the best of the worst of these (the site's motto is "Where DYI meets WTF") and, combined with biting commentary, the results are hilarious. I lost myself on the site this morning, laughing until my sides hurt and tears streamed down my face.

Check the left sidebar for categories. I've only viewed a fraction of what they've put together but some of my favourites include the Bubble Scarf in Chocolate Brown, Watercolour Print Cat Art, this tree trunk thing that poops candy (I'm sorry, I'm unduly amused by the scatological), the bridal veil for dogs (mostly because of the commentary, which could have been written by my spouse) and especially the chicken poncho (that's a poncho for a chicken not a poncho with chickens on it and it helped me feel much better about my recent penchant for knitting dish cloths).

I'm embarassed to say how much time I've spent looking at this stuff today.

Time to go do something constructive.

My face hurts from laughing.

10 to do in May

For the last few months, I've been playing along with a group of folks over at BlogHer who've formed a group called "List Lovers Unite." I'm a sucker for "to do" lists and I've found the practice of making monthly to do lists to be rather compelling.

Sticking to the list, however, has yielded mixed results. Here's how I did with April's list (as with previous months, completed tasks are in blue, partially done tasks are in green and the tasks I didn't even started in purple):

1. Write a first draft of the short story I've been kicking around. (I wrote an outline)

2. Spend an average of eight hours writing per week. (Not even close)

3. Do strength training at least once a week and continue with the five hours of cardio per week. (I'm very pleased to have started the strength training, which I did, for at least a few minutes, five times in four weeks. I fell a couple of hours short with the cardio, though. I need to remind myself on rainy days that I'm not made of sugar).

4. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February and March). (I bought some clothes but my closet is still overflowing with stuff I can't or don't wear).

5.Make summer plans for my family. (we are going to Blue SkiesMusic Festival this year and have tentatively planned another couple of trips but I have yet to sit down with a calendar and nail it all down)

6. Brush my big (shedding) dog once a week and my smaller (non-shedding, tangling) dog every other day. (I brushed the big dog once and the little one twice. I did take Lucy to the groomer on Tuesday, though. She's been shorn now, so now I really only have ears and tail to brush for a while)

7. Update my Ravelry project page.

8. Finish another scarf.

9. Make soup twice. (the jambalaya in the slow cooker when I wrote last month's post was the only soup I made. It was a good one, though)

10. Get a hair cut. (Done. And I feel much better with shorter hair)

I did get something done that had been on my previous month's to do list. I bought a bathing suit. And then I wrote about it for BlogHer and even posted a photo of myself.

I'm still reeling from that one.

Around the middle of the month, I realized was feeling very grumpy. I figured out that I was unhappy because, while I wasn't necessarily getting anything done, I also wasn't having any fun. I had to remind myself that, as I'm the one attempting to give my life more structure, I'm also the one who needs to give myself permission to be flexible.

When I drew up my goals for this month, I decided to incorporate time to read, relax and be creative (a bit ironic, I know) and to set aside time to specifically attack this list.


Things to do in May:

1. Spend an average of eight hours writing a week (I'm already behind. Sigh. I have started to edit the first draft of my novel, though, so that's something).

2. Do strength training at least twice every week (Did it once last week, so I'm behind there too).

3. Do an average of five hours of cardio every week (On track. Yay!)

4. Make soup twice (I've already made and eaten a big batch of sweet potato, red lentil and spinach soup).

5. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February, March and April - but I really do want to get this done).

6. Finish making summer plans for my family.

7. Go to at least one bike store and do some test rides (That should be fun. Also, my bike has started to make some pretty scary noises when I pedal or change gears).

8. Spend one afternoon every week doing something fun or relaxing (Last week, I spent part of Mothers' Day finishing Water for Elephants, which I loved reading. This week, I'll spend Thursday afternoon either reading or knitting. I need to make the space in my life to do the things that restore my energy and my creativity).

9. Finish one knitting project (I made a bunch of dish clothes and a dish towel for a friend and gave them to her, so this one's done already).

10. Spend one afternoon per week just dealing with this to-do list (last week it was Wednesday and this week it will be Wednesday, too).

Anyone else out there still working on the monthly list? How's it working for you?

i bought a swimsuit

And I posted about it for BlogHer.

I won't say the search wasn't traumatic:

I rejected suits that didn't cover my scars, that were two big, too small or both at the same time. I worked up a sweat trying to get tangled bathing suit straps over my shoulders, often resulting in a look that was reminiscent of a wrestling uniform. I cried a little bit. Regular suits left me feeling too exposed and mastectomy suits bagged on the chest when I was not wearing a breast form.

You can read the rest of the post here. I even posted a picture of myself, wearing the swimsuit.

I didn't get to far on my to-do list this month but these are accomplishments (the doing and the writing) of which I am proud.

10 things to do in april

This month, I actually wrote up my 10 things and posted them over at BlogHer on April 1st. And then, I let chemo and the long Passover/Easter weekend sidetrack me. I seem to be somewhat lacking in motivation on the blogging front these days. 

I have lots to say but I don't always feel like saying it.

Perhaps blogging should be on my list of May 'to-do's.

For now, though, here is how I did in March (completed in blue, partially done in green and not even started in purple):

 

1. Finish re-reading the draft of my novel (carried over from February). I discovered when I reached the end of the document that I had just stopped writing when I'd written the required 50,000 words. The story has no end. And needs some serious editing. That will be a goal for a future month.

2. Organize my clothes and my closet (carried over from February).

3. Graft the toes on the socks I'm knitting for my sister (carried over from February). It barely took an hour to finish these suckers. Should have done it ages ago. Now my sister will  have some nice wool socks, just in time for summer.

4. Do an average of 5 hours of cardio exercise every week (Revised from February).Really, this should almost be in blue. I fell short by less than an hour, so I'm pretty pleased with myself.

5. Make soup once. Sweet potato, spinach, red lentil. It was a recipe from my nutrionist (see below) and it was yummy.

6. Spend an average of 10 hours writing per week. I permitted myself to write this in green because I did do some writing in March but I didn't even come close to reaching my goal. I blogged 10 times and wrote in my journal with reasonable consistency but that was pretty much it.

7. Make and keep an appointment with a nutritionist to work out a plan to improve my diet, then follow it. I did do this one and have begun to make some changes to my diet. And, although I fell pretty much completely off the wagon over the long weekend, that was in April so it doesn't count.

8. Get my bike back on the road. It's been tuned up and ridden. When the weather is nice, I am going to continue to make my bike my main form of transportation.

9. Mend/wash/block my hand knit scarves. There are five of them. Three are mine and one is an unfinished present. None of them should take very long and it would give me a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Update: After stepping away from this and considering what I have on my plate, if I get two scarves done, I will be happy. I finished one. Now it needs to be delivered to the recipient.

10. Buy a swimsuit that fits (ugh). I tried on a couple of swimsuits but didn't find any that comfortably fit my long torsoed, plus-sized, one breasted body. I initially thought I would carry this one over to April but have changed my mind. This one's traumatic and will be a longer term project.

 

So that makes (more or less) 5 finished tasks, 4 partially completed and one not yet begun.

 

I'm really enjoying this process. I'm getting things done that I might not otherwise. It's gving me a sense of structure and accomplishment. 

 

Here is my list for April:

 

1. Write a first draft of the short story I've been kicking around (I have a writing buddy now, who's going to give me feedback. I have promised to deliver something for her to read by the end of the month).

2. Spend an average of eight hours writing per week (I'm already behind but it's not too late to catch up).

3. Do strength training at least once a week and continue with the five hours of cardio per week (I am on track with the cardio but have done one set of situps exactly once, so I need to get moving on the strength training).

4. Sort through my clothes (carried over from February and March).

5.Make summer plans for my family.

6. Brush my big (shedding) dog once a week and my smaller (non-shedding, tangling) dog every other day (the little dog has been brushed twice, which is probably twice more than she was groomed in March).

7. Update my Ravelry project page.

8. Finish another scarf.

9. Make soup twice (I have a jambalaya stew in the slow cooker right now).

10. Get a hair cut.

It's not too late to play along!

10 things in march

 It apppears that I have been afflicted with writers' block and spring fever (it's been unseasonably warm and sunny here in Ottawa). And for a while there, I was recovering from chemo.

Those are the excuses I'm offering up for not writing very much lately.

I do have a bunch of posts percolating, or at least on my "to write" to do list but I thought I would kick off my return with another kind of list - an update for my 10 things for February and the new list for March.

Here's how I did last month (completed in blue, partially done in green and not even started in purple).

1. Sock monkey hat done. The pom pom has already fallen off. Once I sew it back on, I'll take photos.

2.  Socks not finished.

3. I made jambalaya and sweet potato soup.

4. I read 6 books, including the Canada Reads ones. And one big doorstop of a book.

5. I averaged closer to 4 hours of cardio per week (short of my goal of 6) but I'm cutting myself some slack because of a cold, travel and bad weather. I think 6 hours was unrealistic and am aiming for 5 hours/week of cardio this month.

6. I think I have 40 pages of my novel left to read. Scary process. I'm fine while I'm reading it but then I'm scared to pick it up again. Have to get over that.

7. I wrote at least a little bit, at least 3 times per week.

8. My clothes remain unorganized. I did do a cull of old towels and sheets, though.

9. I went skating three times! And then the ice melted.

10.  I sent the card, with the photo from last summer and the kids' school photos from this year.

So I'd call that 6 completed, 2 partially done and 2 not even started.

It felt pretty good to write that up actually. I did better than I thought I had.

Here's my list for March (I've also posted it over at BlogHer, where you can read what others have set out to do. This is such a fabulous idea, iniated by Denise Taunton, their Community Manager):

1. Finish re-reading the draft of my novel (carried over from February).

2. Organize my clothes and my closet (carried over from February).

3. Graft the toes on the socks I'm knitting for my sister (carried over from February).

4. Do an average of 5 hours of cardio exercise every week (Revised from February. I'm on track, especially since the weather has been so nice).

5. Make soup  once.

6. Spend an average of 10 hours writing per week (I have some catching up to do).

7. Make and keep an appointment with a nutritionist to work out a plan to improve my diet, then follow it (My first appointment was yesterday and so far I only have to remember to take my supplements and consume enough potassium. I can do this. My next appointment is on March 22nd).

8. Get my bike back on the road (I rode yesterday and I plan on riding to an appointment today. I've also made an appointment for a tune-up).

9. Mend/wash/block my hand knit scarves. There are five of them. Three are mine and one is an unfinished present. None of them should take very long and it would give me a tremendous sense of accomplishment. Update: After stepping away from this and considering what I have on my plate, if I get two scarves done, I will be happy.

10. Buy a swimsuit that fits (ugh).

You can play, too! What are your goals for this month? Share them in the comments or over at BlogHer (but let me know if you do).

lists are good

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you probably know that I find it hard to resist a good list.

And while I've decided to keep my goals for the year very simple and specific, I was very intrigued by a recent post, written by my friend Sassymonkey, which in turn, led me to the BlogHer group, "List Lovers Unite!"

It seems that a group of folks there have determined to set themselves ten monthly goals. This strikes me as a nice bridge between my very manageable goal for the year (make soup) and my nearly interminable daily to-do lists.

I gave it some thought and then added mine. Here it is, with some editorial comment added:

1. Finish sewing the eyes and mouth on D.'s sock monkey hat.

2. Graft the toes on my sister's socks (both these projects have been very, very close to finished for months. It's embarassing).

3. Make soup twice.

4. Read 6 books, including Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated Culture, Good to a FaultThe Jade Peony. and

5.Average 6 hours of walking every week (I was doing this easily for a long time but have slacked off and I'm feeling it, as are the dogs).

6. Re-read the first draft of my novel (haven't touched the thing since completing NaNoWriMo).

7. Write something 3x every week (I have been anxious and procrastinating. I thought that setting the bar low might help.

8. Organize my clothes.

9. Go skating (I live steps from the Rideau Canal yet I didn't even make it out once last year).

10. Send a card to my Aunt, with the photo we took in the summer.

If you are a list lover like me, come join us! And let me know if you do.

random book

Last week, I saw my book on the shelf at Chapters. I had walked in the back door of the store on Rideau Street, which leads straight into the health section. And there it was - or rather there they were. Three copies of my book just sitting on a shelf in a book store. It was a thrill to see it there. I had to call my spouse right away to tell him.

I had to go back to the same Chapters three days later (I had left my glasses in the store). I couldn't help going back to visit my book. There were only two copies left! They had sold one! I took a couple of steps away and then went back to pull a copy out so that the title page faced towards the front.

My heart still belongs to independent book stores, though. They are owned by booklovers, have knowledgeable staff and are the most supportive of writers. If you can buy my book through your local independent, I strongly encourage it. And if your local bookstore carries my book, let me know. I'll put their logo and a link in my sidebar.

I am quoted in a recent BlogHer article by web teacher Virginia DeBolt. Her post, "Self-Promote Your Book Using The Internet" has some really interesting ideas. I had never thought of doing a book trailer, for example. Of course, I still need to write content for the book's web site.

I also want to remind those of you in Toronto that the Not Done Yet launch will take place at the Toronto Women's Bookstore (73 Harbord, near Spadina) on October 22 from 7-9pm.

some further and disjointed thoughts on my blogher09 experience

A non-virtual connection with Melissa from Stirrup Queens (and author of "Navigating the Land of If"). We are both holding Nora's head on a stick.

1. If Twitter was played a role at last year's BlogHer conference, this year it was front and centre.
Many of us followed what was happening in other sessions we attended by following the keyword (called a hashtag with a #sign) blogher#09. These are my tweets from the session I attended about "Online Safety for Your Kids Who Are Online Themselves" (I had expressed in my previous post the concern that it would be all about scaremongering but was delighted to find that it was not):

"if you are an engaged parent you have less to worry about in terms of sexual predation online" #blogher09 session on online kids.

it never occurred to me to worry about kids taking pics at my son's sleepover b-day party. should i have? #blogher09 kids online session.

"every technology brings with it new fears." the take away - don't panic! i love it. panel on kids online #blogher09 do you post photos of your kids online? on facebook? flickr? #blogher09

"identifying information that your kids put online has NO correlation with sexual predation." #blogher09

"reputation management" never heard this before in online context. interesting. #blogher09. your photos and words may come back on you, kids

"we are tethering our kids" "we are raising our kids in captivity" - this is the way times have changed. #blogher09.

2. In the closing keynote, the subject came around again, to Twitter. One commenter likened her Twitter community to a support group "I think the women I've met online in the pregnancy loss community have saved my life" (I didn't get her name or blog. Let me know if you did). A powerful statement, but I can relate. She went on to say that support groups are not available 24/7 the way that an online community can be.

3. One of the speakers also observed that most people get started blogging because of someone they know in their "physical life." I thought that was interesting, because it was my spouse (a non-blogger) who introduced me to the blogosphere.

4. Another favourite keynote comment (again, if you know who said this, do let me know): "People with higher levels of income tend to be online. We need to be vigilant that our online communities are not recreating or reinforcing existing inequities."

5. As you can see, I found the content to be very rich and thought provoking this year, despite the size of the conference.

6. I do worry that some people spent so much time tweeting that they missed connections with real people or taking in the discussions occurring around them.

7. One of my favourite Twitter moments occurred when "phdinparenting" lamented her dislike for American beer. She posted about our interaction on BlogHer. It really tickled me that I could be of help. There were lots of those kinds of tweets, throughout the conference.

8. I wish the bookstore had been in a different location. One person suggested in a conference feedback thread that the bookstore would do better closer to registration. I suggested that book signings take place during cocktail parties, in the middle of the action (and of course it wouldn't hurt if free cocktails made people want to buy more books). The conference organizers have acknowledged that the placement of the bookstore in the far corner of the Expo hall was a mistake (too far out of the way. And who wants to buy a book when they are surrounded by mounds of free stuff?). While I do understand how experiments can fail (and how it must have seemed like a good idea during planning) I just wish that this particular year (when I schlepped a bunch of books in my suitcase) had not been the one where the bookstore flopped.

9. Elisa from BlogHer made an observation (in a tweet, of course), that she is trying to learn the distinction between things that are "wrong" and things that are just not her "cuppa tea." That's how I feel about the karaoke during the Friday night cocktail party. I hated it. However, others seemed to be having fun (perhaps I am just getting old), so I got myself a hot date and went to find a patio.



10. I have other thoughts but Sassymonkey and Blondie expressed them already. Go read their posts.

I said many times before going that BlogHer09 would be my last. I hadn't even unpacked my suitcase before I'd begun to fantasize about getting to BlogHer10 in NYC. Anyone want to drive down from Ottawa and share a hotel room with me?

having a wonderful time. wish you were here.

I am having my best BlogHer ever.

The biggest difference is that I am more comfortable in my own skin, more at ease with who I am and more willing to take risks when it comes to approaching people.

I also know myself well and am making the choices that are the right ones for me. This has meant that I am not pressuring myself to "network" not doing the parties and welcoming opportunities for one on one time with interesting people. This has led to the creation of some lovely memories and the deepening of some friendships.

Yesterday, I attended sessions on "The Transformational Power of Blogging," "Blogs and Body Image: What are we teaching our kids?" and "Patient Bloggers: You are not your disease - you just blog about it every day." Every one was excellent.

I toyed with the idea of skipping the "Community Keynote" but I'm so glad I didn't. A series of bloggers read selected posts from their blogs, each more funny or sad or powerful than the next. And some really beautiful pieces of writing.

Last night's cocktail party was a little grim (karaoke! ouch!) or maybe I am just getting old ("the noise! I couldn't have a conversation!") The free booze just wasn't enough to make me stay. Luckily, I invited Elana to have dinner with me - and she said yes. A pint and a bite and some lovely conversation later, I felt restored.

Today, I have visited the vendors, talked to people and, at lunch, I did my book signing. They had us tucked away in a far corner of the Expo hall, so it was a little slow. I was signing with Ilene Chaiken, creator of the L-Word and we still didn't draw more than a handful of people. I've sold and signed a few books, though and have done as well as anyone else here.

Next up is a session on "Online Safety for Your Kids Who Are Online Themselves." I just hope it's not all scaremongering.

I think I'm going to skip the evening cocktail party and go have some deep-dish pizza with Suzanne, her parents and some other bloggers.

This time, I wasn't to oshy to ask for a celebrity photo (that's Ilene Chaiken on the left and BlogHer co-founder - and blurber of my book - Lisa Stone in the centre).

landed

I was going to title this 'the eagle has landed' but then given my Canadian-ness , I thought 'the beaver has landed' would be more appropriate but that sounded, well, rude. (And silly, since beavers don't fly. Never mind.)

What I mean is, that I am now in Chicago, comfortably ensconced in my hotel room and ready to attend BlogHer 09.

I didn't get sick (although both my kids did) or my symptoms were really mild (or I have yet to be felled but I won't consider that option). Thanks to everyone who wished me well. I think it helped.

I am typing this (badly) on a lovely little borrowed Netbook, since my computer died on Tuesday afternoon. After calling around for the best prognosis and cheapest care, it seems like it's fixable. I'm glad but I could learn to love this little loaner, even as I adjust to a new keyboard.

Last year, you may recall that my computer took sick right before BlogHer as well. I chose to be computer-less (and while I certainly didn't mind not schlepping the thing back and forth from Oakland to San Francisco and back every day, I did miss being wired. Twitter played such a big role at last year's conference (I'm @lauriek. Follow me, if you like!) and I missed being able to read everyone's comments at day's end and add my own. Also, the comprehensive agenda was online only and I left before it was available, so that was a bit of a hassle. This year's laptop demise may end up feeling serendipitous.

I'm not going to hide behind the computer, though. I made myself some handwritten notes this morning (I try to spend a few minutes writing free-hand most days) which can be summed up this way: relax, don't let my introversion get the best of me and have fun!

I forgot my USB cable (so no photos to download until I get home) and a little gift to exchange with someone. I did remember to bring a friend's husband's forgotten wedding ring and another friend's head on a stick.

The head (well, photograph of a head) belongs to Nora who can't be here (something about having given birth to twins). Nora and I met at last year's BlogHer. I liked her very much. And I must say that she has thus far been an excellent travelling companion. There are a few of us here bearing Nora's head and tomorrow, we are going to try and pose for a group photo.

I have to head over to the conference hotel, shortly (I am staying a few blocks away) and deliver my books the bookstore. I'm doing a signing on Saturday at lunch (12:15 to 12:40). I 'm sharing the spot with Ilene Chaiken (creator of the L-Word), so I will either benefit from her spillover or be left entirely alone. If you don't yet have my book and you want to buy it at BlogHer, I promise to sign it and write something really nice.

not this time

We got back yesterday evening from my spouse's family cottage. It's a place I love and where I am always happy, even when the weather does not cooperate.

So despite the fact that I couldn't bring myself to go swimming and I didn't sit around on the dock in my bathing suit, I still found time to read, enjoy the company of family and make art with D. ("Who would have thought that painting could be so much fun?" he said. "Using your imagination!"), knit, go for walks, eat and drink too much and just relax. My spouse taught S. how to play Backgammon and D. taught me how to tolerate playing PayDay.

It was all quite lovely, even if we we did miss the sun.

On the very last night, though, D. woke with a fever and could not get back to sleep. He threw up twice (and copiously) on our long drive home.

I kept him home today and let him watch DVDs in his pajamas. By this evening, he was asking to go to the park.

Through it all, I comforted, fussed and nursed. And tried not to heed the guilty voice in my head: "The kid has lousy timing! I can't get sick. I leave on Thursday for BlogHer!"

This evening my head hurts and I am achy. I feel just as I did before the fever set in, on the day before my ill-fated Toronto book launch.*

I cannot get sick. I will not get sick. I am going to bed and tomorrow, I will wake up feeling well.

Cross your fingers for me, OK?

*temporarily ill-fated. Re-scheduled for October.

the brain of a monkey

First:

My spouse and I had the following conversation this morning:

T.: "I had a really hard time falling asleep last night."

Me: "Did you have monkey brain?"

T: "What? Like I couldn't stop thinking about bananas?"

Second:

I woke up feeling kind of bummed out this morning. After coffee, my mood changed dramatically. I actually tweeted, "I think I love coffee the most."

Third:

Speaking of Twitter, a bunch of folks have changed their time zone to Tehran, in order to confuse Iranian censors. I've done it, too, although I am not sure if this really works. And I love the fact Twitter and Facebook are playing a role in helping activists all over the world get the word out. Makes me feel virtuous and less like I am just wasting time (although, I know it's a stretch to describe playing a Scrabble knock-off and commenting on my friends' status updates as activism).

Fourth:

Just over one week of school left. Double-edged sword, that. S. has had a fantastic teacher this year. Can't say the same of D. His teacher was complaining that he does his own thing too much, like reading a book by himself during story time. Um, perhaps this is because he is READING NOVELS while she is teaching the kids what sound the letter 'a' makes. Sigh.

Next year, he is switching schools and entering the "gifted" program (this term is a "don't get me started." Both my kids have tested as "profoundly gifted." My friend M. says we should just call these kids "idiosyncratic learners." Another terrific teacher once said, "It's just another kind of spec. ed." These kids have their own set of learning challenges and my older son is thriving in the program). It will be great to have the kids in the same school.

Fifth:

My older son has been asking for guitar lessons for a shamefully long time (shameful because music is an area of my kids' education that we have sorely neglected). I just signed him up for Rock School. If he enjoys the week, we will sign him up for lessons.

Sixth:

I have never set foot in an Abercrombie and Fitch. The fact that this beautiful young woman was relegated to the stockroom because she has a prosthetic arm has ensured that I never will.

Seventh:

My Xmas tree is still in my back yard. I think that's kind of sad.

Eighth:

I am seeing my oncologist in person for the first time in months, this afternoon. I plan to give him a copy of my book and remind him that we discussed taking a break this summer. I plan to skip treatment in July (so I can go to BlogHer). I also want to ask him if I can take August off as well. If he has any hesitation about this at all, though. I won't push.

I promised.

Ninth:

Posting gratuitous photos of my son being goofy (future blackmail fodder for sure). Noticed that I look even goofier in that hat but decided that censorship on that basis would be hypocritical. Thanks to my bro-in-law for capturing the moment with his cell phone.